Local Man Dies From Embarrassment

Philadelphia, PA-- A middle-aged man from Philadelphia literally dropped dead from embarrassment yesterday while he was out food-shopping. Medical scientists believe it is the first documented case of death from the common emotion. It also proves that the old saying 'to die from embarrassment' really can happen.

Police sources say Mr. Eddie Spaghetti was in the Toke N Poke food store when the bizarre death occurred. The doomed man was about to pay for his groceries when he suddenly discovered that he had left his wallet at home.

"He just got very flustered and his face turned a bright red." said store clerk Loretta Ebonics. "People forget to bring their wallets a lot of time, it was no big deal--he didn't have to die like that." she sadly said. Paramedics were immediately called to the store and found Mr. Spaghetti to be in extreme shock. He was bright red from head to foot, and also had a body temperature of almost 200 degrees. "He died of course." said a paramedic. "He was so red from embarrassment we thought his head would explode." Medical scientists believe the strange case may not be isolated. "We live in very stressful times." noted one researcher. "Sudden death from extreme emotions is becoming more common--everyone needs to just chill and relax."

Local Man KIlled By Police For Looking At The Moon

Philadelphia, PA-- When Mr. Eddie Spaghetti went for a walk last night, he had no idea he was about to executed by the local police. The middle-aged man took a evening stroll to admire the crescent moon, completely unaware he was strolling towards his doom. The police shot the poor man over 5000 times for being 'weird'. Mr. Spaghetti's troubles began when he was spotted walking outside by his neighbor--Miss Vicky Smegma. "Well, it just seemed strange to me. He wasn't talking on a cell phone or taking a selfie or anything like that. So I called the police, like any normal person." said the elderly virgin spinster. When the policmen arrived they found Mr. Spaghetti admiring the moon in the pale November twilight. The two officers immediately opened fire with their machine guns, instantly killing Mr. Spaghetti. "What sort of weirdo walks around by himself to look at the moon!" laughed one of the officers. "Especially when the Kardashians are on television." When Miss Smegma heard about the death, she cackled with delight. "The world is better off now!" giggled Miss Smegma. The Kardashians were on television and Miss Smegma was frantically masturbating as she watched the famous clan. "Why can't people just act normal these days!"

Farcebook Begins Posting Skulls On Dead Accounts

Philadelphia, PA-- When Miss Vicky Smegma's best friend died, she planned to make a kind remark on her dead friend's Farcebook account. Miss Smegma opened the page for Miss Valerie Cockwhistle, hoping to see the last photos of her deceased companion. Instead, she saw the grinning face of a human skull! After Miss Smegma recovered from the shock, she looked deeper into her friend's Farcebook account. All of Miss Cockwhistle's posts and photos were gone, the only thing remaining was the hideous skull. Miss Smegma's intense shock turned into furious anger. She grabbed her phone and called Farcebook's customer service, demanding to get some answers. "How could you!" she wept into the phone. "How could you people be so insensitive and shallow!" she cried. "How could you be so evil!" she screamed. The Farcebook customer service representative patiently explained to Miss Smegma that the company owns everything posted on Farcebook and there was nothing Miss Smegma could do about it. "You aren't the customer Miss Smegma, you are the product. Farcebook sells all your information to the CIA, the IRS, the DIA, the Pentagon, and many others. Dead people are useless to Farcebook, so we put skulls on their accounts." This information alarmed Miss Smegma so much that she had a heart attack and dropped dead on the floor. Ironically, Miss Smegma's Farcebook page had a smiling skull posted on it only seconds after she died. "Is there anything else I can help you with today and were you satisfied with your call." laughed the customer service representative as Miss Smegma lay dead on the floor.